MARITAL SUCCESS PART -#2
"HOW TO DEAL WITH PAST RESENTMENTS"

Greetings in the name of the Lord. I trust that this past summer has been a real blessing. That's right, this PAST summer. It's hard to believe that it is almost over.
Last month I began a series of articles on having a successful marriage. I dealt with the subject on "Why are so many marriages breaking up?" This month I would like to deal with the subject of "How do we deal with past resentments.

Most married people have experienced some deep hurts because of things their mate has said or done. These hurts may have a crippling effect upon their marriages and home life. Such hurts may never be expressed, but they are there and, like a cancer, eat away at a healthy relationship and home.

So just how do we deal with past resentments? The answer of secular society is to open up communication, usually through counseling. They claim the following benefits: 1). Resentments are identified. It is believed that resentments must be exposed in order to be resolved. The cancer must be discovered before it can be surgically removed.

2). Resentments must be discussed openly and honestly. It is believed that this process will produce healing. 3). It is also believed that counseling, whether for one or both partners of a marriage, is considered to be supportive as well as therapeutic.

Although counseling may aid in the process of dealing with resentments, Counseling Has Limitations. Some couples claim that such counseling has, in fact helped their marriage. Counseling can bring some objectivity to a couple in emotional turmoil and can defuse a volatile situation. But don't forget, it has its limitations. Here are some of the limitations to counseling. First, secular counseling is normally very expensive. I have heard that some are charging over $60.00 per 30-minute session. Secondly, it is usually very time consuming. Next, it usually is only temporary. Usually the same problems have to be dealt with again and again after counseling. Also, Secular counseling can be very dangerous. It can be dangerous because many times it builds a dependency relationship with the counselor. Furthermore, counselors sometimes give dangerous and destructive advice such as, "Have an affair," or "you would be better off divorced." The last limitation that we need to consider is that it is usually superficial. The main problem with secular counseling is that it fails to get to the heart of the problem. It is a "Band-Aid" approach that can deal only with symptoms and not with the cause.

As a Pastor, I have counseled many people. As I counsel couples I find that they usually are not interested in what I have to say, they just are want me to side up with them.
What is the real problem in dealing with past resentments? I believe that the bottom line is a "heart problem". Matthew 15:19-20 states:

"For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornication's, thefts, false witness, blasphemies: [20] These are the things which defile a man: but to eat with unwashen hands defileth not a man." Counseling cannot change the heart of man. It may help resolve some of the symptoms and ease some of the hurts, but it cannot change the human heart. Until the heart of man is changed, evil things will continuously be expressed in one way or another. No real forgiveness of past injuries will be possible. This is the reason supposedly forgiven events keep resurfacing. Each new argument tends to reinforce past bitterness. People become stubborn because the heart becomes hard and set in its evil intent. Pride takes root, and little or no effort is made to resolve the tension in the relationship. "It's his fault; he'll have to take the first step toward reconciliation, I'm not going to give in." Such an attitude will bring only misery Proverbs 18:14 states:
"The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity; but a wounded spirit who can bear?" It is a serious matter to give way to such a stubborn attitude, Proverbs 29:1 "He, that being often reproved hardeneth his neck, shall suddenly be destroyed, and that without remedy."

The solution to the problem of resentment is to change the human heart. A person's heart is changed when he experiences the forgiveness of God in Christ. Those who have truly experienced this forgiveness demonstrate a forgiving spirit toward those who offend them. Only then is it possible to realize God's glorious purpose for marriage (Col. 3:18-19). A woman gladly submits to her husband who loves her and is not harsh or bitter toward her. He is not bitter or harsh because he can forgive her failures and the times she has hurt him. A husband easily loves a woman who is submissive and respectful because she does not harbor resentments over past or present injuries. Marriage may be harmonious when people have truly experienced the forgiveness of God in Christ. Please read Eph. 4:32. Those who have experienced this forgiveness have been able to forgive anything: an affair, physical violence, mental cruelty, unkindness, cutting remarks and attacks on personal shortcomings and deficiencies. Forgiveness has bound up broken marriages. God expects each of us to forgive others. He expects us to have a forgiving spirit toward others, not only our mates and our family, but everyone! IT IS VITAL - (Matt. 6:14-15). Some people remain hard and unforgiving, wallowing in self-pity, misery and eventually self-destruction.

God has given us a wonderful promise in the Bible - FORGIVENESS OF SINS. Hebrews 8:12 "For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more." Although this verse refers to Israel, God stands ready to forgive anyone who is willing to acknowledge his sin, turn from it and trust god to forgive him. Acts 13:38-39 "Be it known unto you therefore, men and brethren, that through this man is preached unto you the forgiveness of sins: [39] And by him all that believe are justified from all things, from which ye could not be justified by the law of Moses."

Troubled couples need to invite Jesus Christ into their hearts and homes. The forgiveness He gives produces a new heart, one that is loving, for giving, slow to take offense and joyous. Does your marriage need Jesus? Do you need a new, soft heart of forgiveness? If so, come to Christ, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you!

Because of Calvary
Pastor Rick Bickelhaupt